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Am I the only one who wants to know what kind of fucked up sex shit the future people from Wall-E were into?

 

Let me just start off by saying that I am a huge fan of Wall-E. Pixar’s sci-fi epic about an unflappable maintenance robot is funny, imaginative, and beautifully animated—not to mention that it sends a great message. The story is inspiring, exhilarating, and structurally air-tight (space-pun intended). It’s only because of my enthusiasm for the movie that one question has consistently come to mind for me as I watch it. That is, just what kind of fucked up sex shit are those future people into, and am I really the only one who wants to know?

 

Just as a refresher for anyone who hasn’t seen it for a while, a major portion of Wall-E takes place on a spaceship that now houses the entire human race; a race that has devolved into morbid obesity thanks to their hi-tech space chairs whisking them to wherever they’d like to go. There’s no need for anyone to ever get out of their chairs, except, as one might conjecture, to have some kind of weird future person sex. I mean, they have to be doing something because they keep procreating. Even if it’s not technically sex, is there some kind of insemination procedure that everyone takes part in to keep the species alive? I can’t be the only one asking these questions!

 

“Okay,” you say “so they use the space chairs for everything during the daytime, but why can’t they just have normal person sex at night? Like some easy missionary position stuff.” To which I’d respond, “absolutely not!”

 

I’m supposed to believe that they’ve created future hacks for everything except for sex? There is simply no way these people get out of their chairs, put on a normal rubber condom, and engage in even the least physically demanding form of coitus. We’re made to believe that it’s a great accomplishment that one of them walks, getting into some reverse cowgirl situation would be like climbing Mount Everest for these people. This isn’t even taking into account the psychological effects of being plugged into screens all day, which has to have deteriorated any real chance of experiencing enjoyable physical intimacy. No, there’s simply no chance these people are having normal sex.

 

So what are they doing?

 

 

Well, a couple immediate options come to mind. First, they can be positioned into sex by their space-chairs, which then mash the two bodies together until orgasm. This sounds unpleasant, but we can also believe that the two people would never have to disengage from their respective screens, which could be showing them some really awesome future-porn, essentially leaving the actual human contact as a footnote to their personal orgasm. Second, and probably a more reasonable option, no one really has sex, they just masturbate constantly and the male semen is saved and given to volunteering females later on.

 

This seems more reasonable to me for a few reasons. I mean, let’s be honest, whether or not these people are having real sex, they are masturbating constantly. Once again, they are confined to chairs that have a full system of screens attached to them. They have no jobs or actual responsibilities. They have no connection to the physical, real world, as their perspective is totally warped by the constant feed of information. Privacy is also no issue because no one ever glances away from their own screens. Why should they ever deny themselves the pleasure of orgasm? These people are probably reaching masturbation rates that can only be dreamed of by today’s most avid practitioners. It’s more reasonable than not to assume that every single person immediately out of frame in Wall-E is masturbating furiously as they zoom through the levels of the spaceship.

 

Continuing along the same line of thinking, would these people be masturbating in the same ways we do today? I doubt it. The technology developed in just the past hundred and fifty years has given us tools like the vibrator and the fleshlight. Now we’re talking maybe a thousand years of progress for a purely hedonistic society that has clearly made personal pleasure its number one priority. There’s also the question of retaining the male semen. Imagine if the men were just able to strip down and jerk it as they flew around; there’d be semen flying every which way! So, incorporated into the design of the new pleasure technologies would presumably be some kind of vacuum or suction device that would actively clean and save any useful fluids. I’m thinking the women have some kind of power-vibrator, and the men have a cone that goes over their genitals. Each of these things would be incorporated into the design of the chairs, along with any additional sex technology that I am incapable of even imagining here in our relative dark age of self-sex.

 

 

We’ve only touched on the most conservative guesses for these future people’s sexual habits, but the possibilities are literally endless. They could have a button on each of the chairs to spontaneously send someone else (a consenting adult, that is) into orgasm. There could be a massive sex chamber on the ship where everyone’s chairs plug them into a virtual fuck-matrix, where everyone gets to inhabit some beautiful avatar and just go crazy on each other. A new form of dystopian sporting event could arise as people compete to see how many orgasms they can achieve in a given amount of time. Sadly, the movie shows us none of this.

 

If this reaches a member of Wall-E’s creative team, I implore you to send me your thoughts on what kind of weird sex-shit the future people were into. For anyone else who’s found themselves asking some similar questions, I’d love to just know that you’re out there. Ruminating on this topic was as alienating as it was joyful. I mean, Wall-E was one of the most popular movies of 2008, and yet I’ve never heard anyone asking the obvious questions about how those weirdos had children or just got their rocks off. I’m starting to feel like a kind of Copernicus who sees the sun’s motion for what it is but am called a heretic. If at the end of the day, I have to sacrifice my reputation just to open up the discussion, so be it. As long as we begin the dialogue and see it to its logical conclusion, by really sussing out whatever deranged, all-consuming, nasty-as-hell sex acts those futuristic perverts were doing to themselves and each other. I can’t be the only one who wants to know.

 

 

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November 15, 2017

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