"What Hath God Wrought?"

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I used to work sixteen hours a day on wall street but now all I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom

It’s just like any other Tuesday.

 

I wake up after three hours of sleep and take a bump of cocaine right there in the darkness. In a minute I’m walking out my front door, leaving some stranger asleep in my bed with a hundred bucks in cab money sitting on the nightstand—I guess she can get some breakfast too. I’m strung out and tired, but get a little boost when I catch my reflection in the elevator doors, the glisten on my Rolex, the primness of my Hugo Boss three-piece. Man, I look like money.

 

Eight hours later, I’m at my desk. I haven’t eaten a solid piece of food all day, but I’m half a million dollars richer thanks to firing one of my deskmates. I like to imagine myself then, hunched over behind a wall of screens, heavy metal blaring through my earbuds, and laugh thinking how I look like the last guy in the world who’s about to find a new way to live, but that’s exactly what happened. It’s called the rump shaker, and the beats is like sweeter than candy.

 

I don’t know if I hit an errant key, I don’t know if my Spotify radio glitched, or if someone messed with my account’s playlists, but whatever it was I thank God for it to this day. Before I could think, Anthrax had given way to Wreckx-N-Effect. A sax loop was cascading through my ears, calling me as clearly as Gabriel’s trumpet to a newfound purpose. I was standing in my manager’s office. I heard myself say “I quit,” and walked out the front door. I was sliding across New York down by your Virginia, ticklin’ you around Delaware before I enter. I had the body of the year, and I deserved a reward. Here’s a hint: it’s like a long sharp sword.

 

This time last year I’d be gambling on Proctor & Gamble stock just to see how the market adjusted. These days I only flip tail, let you see how I shake it up like dice, the way I shake my rump is turnin’ mighty men to mice. I used to bend over backwards for my job, reading every piece of research, getting ahead of the market at every turn, but now I got a surprise that’s a back breaker, I shake my rump like a rump shaker.

 

My days are full now. The action is packed in a jam like a closet. Beats bound to get you up, cold flowin’ like a faucet. I feel happy. I like the way I comb my hair (uh!) I like the stylish clothes I wear (uh!) It’s just the little things I do (uh!) It all makes me want to keep pursuing this life of rump shaking in accordance with my newfound path (uh!)

 

It’s easy look back and see how bleak my life was, but to me there was no other way to live, and there are millions of people still hustling like this with no plan to quit. If you’re one of those people, I just want to tell you this: you can find something better, you can find something that will bring you a fuller life, something that will bring you actual joy. I was lucky enough to find a way out. If you want to be like me, it’s easier than you think. Just come on, pass the poom poom, send it to poppa. Shake it baby, shake it baby, just don’t stoppa.

 

Let me see you do the booty hop (hop). And now make the booty stop. Now drop and do the booty wop (ooh). The way you shakin’ your reals, will appeal. I’m makin’ a whole lot of bills. But I ain’t trickin’, just to treatin’ and I ain’t into treatin’ every trick that I’m meetin’. (Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah). Yeah, shake it baby, shake it now shake it like that.

 

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom, just shake ya rump.

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom, just shake ya rump.

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom, just shake ya rump.

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom, just shake ya rump.

 

 

 

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November 15, 2017

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