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“Poems are sentences written incorrectly” and other newly discovered theorems from Pierre de Fermat

"melons are smashed more easily than pineapples, which in turn are smashed more easily than human bone."

Fermat’s last theorem threw mathematicians for a loop for nearly four centuries, and now historians have found dozens of theorems from Fermat’s papers, all of which he claims to have proven. Here, published for the first time, is the comprehensive list of his newly discovered hypotheses:

  • "There is no number greater than 8,892 that is of any relevance to mathematicians."

  • "There is a purely dominant strategy in the game of chess utilizing just two pawns zig-zagging wildly down the board."

  • "A man of middling height is capable of physically dominating two grown black bears if they are to attack in tandem, but not sequentially."

  • "If hot liquid is splashed properly upon the male groin, the genitalia will become erect for a duration proportionate to the liquid’s temperature."

  • "A poem is simply a sentence that has been written incorrectly."

  • "A mountain weighs exactly equal to the water contained in its nearest pond."

  • "There is no group of seventeen peaches that will outweigh a group of eighteen peaches, a useful rule of thumb for catching apple smugglers."

  • "The tallest tree in a section of forest is the god of all the animals subsiding therein, the largest animal is god of all such trees, hence a balance is struck."

  • "Melons are smashed more easily than pineapples, which in turn are smashed more easily than human bone."

  • "Our solar system contains exactly three times of the number of planets than is currently believed, as each planet conceals two planets of equal size hiding just behind it."

  • "All women lose their sight at age 14, relying on their shrill voices to guide them through the world as bats use screeches to traverse caverns."

  • "A complete list of natural elements will include the following: earth, wind, fire, water, stars, hair, rainbows, diamonds, and horse meat."

Wow, there they are. Now scientists are scrambling to prove each one of these amazing pieces of Renaissance thought. We'll be sure to keep you up to date on those advances, but in the meantime check back here for all new theorems as more become revealed!