"What Hath God Wrought?"

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On the continued existence of the giant fire-breathing lizard monster

Dear Sir or Madame,

I am writing to you as a citizen who remains severely troubled by the continued existence of the giant fire breathing lizard residing somewhere in the depths of the World’s oceans, and which every so often emerges from the sea to reap untold havoc upon one of the world’s coastal cities.

Frankly, I remain totally unsatisfied by the current state of emergency planning during these events, and would applaud any effort to come up with some creative solutions for handling this monster. To assist you, I’ve come up with a few “red flags,” as it were, to serve as warning signs for when a plan might prove to be sub-optimal.

Red Flag #1: Tanks. I am simply amazed at the fact that we insist on attacking the giant lizard with tanks. If you are unfamiliar with military history, tanks were invented as a weapon in ground-combat primarily to fight against infantry. A tank is supremely effective at moving through an enemy’s line when those enemies are human soldiers, however, against a giant fire breathing lizard it is useless, and so obviously vulnerable to being picked up and thrown at other tanks. If we had, say, a tank the size of a mountain, this discussion could easily be reevaluated.

Red Flag #2: Attacking our own buildings/bridges in order to “trap” the monster, specifically when children are still inside. Do you hear how obvious this one sounds? Now, I can appreciate the irony of us doing more harm to ourselves than the monster does, but this is the exact thing we’re trying to avoid. I had a niece sitting on the golden gate bridge during the most recent attack and she was nearly blown apart thanks to your damned fighter jets. She is still severely traumatized and enters fits of panic whenever she even sees a bridge. Shall I send you her psychologist's bill?

Red Flag #3: Relying on a single man to detonate a huge bomb at the last possible moment. I hesitate to include this one because unfortunately this plan has historically yielded the best results against the lizard, ranging all the way from the first attack in 1957 to the most recent in 2014. But please, can’t we come up with something that precludes this? How about a remote detonation device? Or a back-up remote detonation device in case the first one fails? I truly believe you all would think of these things if you just put in a little effort.

Red Flag #4: Ignoring the scientist. From what I can tell, each of these incidents has forced a scientist into the foreground of the decision-making process. If, let’s say, you are choosing between taking the scientist’s advice or some very angry and trigger-happy general’s, GO WITH THE SCIENTIST. This one goes doubly if the scientist is Japanese and still vaguely haunted by memories of Hiroshima.

Red Flag #5: Using atomic weaponry. This strategy is akin to fighting pop’eye by throwing spinach at him, or Mark McGwire with steroids, or the Kool-aid man with kool-aid. You are simply making it stronger with every attempt. Let’s think outside the box: how about constructing a giant trebuchet with which we can hurl an enormous spike at the monster? Unless the beast is somehow fueled by enormous spikes, there is no chance this would be a worse strategy than the one in place.

I apologize if I have offended by putting forth this unsolicited advice, but I must tell you that I find myself, especially after having completed this letter, in an absolute tizzy. It sometimes seems to me as if I am the only person alive who takes any issue with the existence of a monster whose sole purpose seems to be to destroy modern cities. I sincerely hope you will heed my red flags in preparation for the upcoming attack, which experts place somewhere in 2019, followed by the lizard fighting a gigantic ape in 2020.

Yours in deep frustration,

A concerned citizen.